Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Weirdness...

I had a strange experience last night...  I think it was a strangely vivid dream that had a strong effect on me at the time, and I'm guessing it's down to the medication as I rarely even remember my dreams. I think I read somewhere that it can be a side effect (unless I imagined that). Anyway the dream wasn't particularly interesting.  I slowly dry fried some bacon yesterday evening for this morning's breakfast, and later I dreamt that I had forgotten to turn off the hob when it was done and I'd left the pan over the heat.  I woke up around midnight absolutely convinced that was the case,  (even though I would certainly have been able to smell it if that had been true after 6 more hours of heating). I could quite literally feel and hear my heart pounding away far faster than usual,  and it wouldn't calm down until I went downstairs and checked the hob.  Once I saw for sure that I wasn't in the process of burning the house down I was able to calm down straight away and fell asleep again really quickly.  I know that's a really boring story but the thing is, even on the rare occasions that I remember dreams, and they're upsetting, I have never had any physical reaction on waking up,  or felt anything than I would watching a TV show -  prior to last night.  Weird. Hopefully a one off. 
Today was very frustrating at work but not as miserable as yesterday and I avoided a repeat of yesterday's binge behaviour but was possibly punished for the bingeing with an upset stomach for most of the day.  I'm still not very comfortable now. Seems a little unfair considering that unlike most of my past binges I managed to persuade myself to stay gluten free.  As a result of the stomach issues I didn't even go out at lunchtime,  and the only exercise I got was a lot of trips to the bathroom.  A lot.  And silent internal screaming in frustration.  That's work for you. Well for me anyway. 
Thankfully the M4 was kind to me and the weather,  though awful most of the day,  wasn't quite as bad for most of my journey in or home.  If I'd been stuck like I was several times last week I might have exploded to death. 

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon sandwich 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: Meatzza - turkey 'crust'  topped with broccoli, a tiny bit of prosciutto,  red onion & mozzarella cheese 
Snacks: cashews, bag of sainsburys potato snacks 

Monday, 20 October 2014

The return of the binge monster

I had a good weekend,  thoroughly enjoyed visiting my Mum and also seeing my brother,  I was quite active,  not all of it voluntary as several trains home were cancelled and my brother  and I walked a couple of extra miles killing time until they started running again.  I also enjoyed yesterday - though I was tired all day I was also cheerful,  bordering on slightly hyper.  I didn't do much -  walked a couple of miles,  did laundry,  cooked a bit,  watched a bad movie  & lots of TV. 
Sadly good days are followed by less good days and today was no exception.

I binged today.

I don't feel great

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon leek & mushroom scrambled eggs & melon wedges 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: tuna, red onion & mayo toastie  (gf bread) 
Snacks: gf brownies,  wispa gold,  Bounty,  bag of salt &  vinegar crisps, cashews 

Friday, 17 October 2014

Improvement...

I slept like a baby last night - right through to about 4:30 without waking up once that I remember.  It was wonderful... I was still really tired all morning though,  I guess that's more about the pills than actual lack of sleep.  As a result I once again didn't do much all day -  no training or walking.  Luckily it's the weekend,  so I should be able to do something at least,  simply because I'll have all day without having to fit it in around work.  I'm visiting my Mum tomorrow - travelling by train - so that ensures at least a 2 mile walk round trip to the station. Can't wait... 
Apart from the tiredness I felt better today.  I had about the right level of work  during the day - enough to not be too bored,  not enough to feel pressured - and my drive home was nowhere near as bad as it has been.  I actually feel some optimism today... It feels good.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon &  sausage sandwich - gf
Lunch: ham & salad followed by an apple 
Dinner: tuna, spinach, mushroom & leek risotto
 Snacks: yogurt with berries, cashews 

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Zzzzzzzz

I've been really tired all day today,  so I have nothing exciting to write about.  I worked...  Drank coffee... And yawned. I popped down the road...  Drank rooibos tea... And yawned.  Ate lunch...  And yawned.  At lunchtime I bought a bag of crisps because my knackeredness craved the crunch (and there were no Pork rinds in the shop)  and then had a 2pm slump that almost had me napping under my desk.  I'd had the chance to go out for lunch but was too busy to spare the time. And too tired.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon roll 
Lunch: poached salmon & salad 
Dinner: tuna,  mushroom & leek omelette 
Snacks: yogurt with berries, packet of crisps 

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Rubbish

Rubbish day today.  Rubbish. Rubbish rubbish. 
I woke up feeling miserable and stayed that way. I had a headache most of the morning, and spent my time feeling stupid and overwhelmed because I have a couple of relatively technical testing tasks to do (usually I'm a business oriented tester, I try to work the way real users would use the system without needing an indepth understanding of the workings of the system) and I'm not sure how good a job I'll be able to do of it.  Which is depressing and an uncomfortable feeling. 
I actually found myself wishing that I wanted to binge. Which is weird even for me given the self loathing that follows a binge. But I didn't want to, so I didn't. I think I felt that if I was in binge mode I could have some hope that giving into it might fix my mood (even though intellectually I know better than that) whereas not having the desire to binge feels like accepting I can't make myself feel better. Or something.  My brain is a weird and scary place. 


Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato & mushrooms 
Lunch: ham salad 
Dinner: chicken thighs with stir fry veg 
Snacks: yogurt, cashews

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Aaarrggh

I hate the fucking M4
Another day,  another traffic jam and another ridiculous journey home.  The roadworks responsible are due to carry on till JANUARY. 
Today my mood was a bit more stable - not as high as my recent highs,  but definitely not as low as recent lows either. I even had a little energy - fueled by frustration, but still energy is energy! At lunchtime I phoned BT to cancel our account (we're switching to cable) and it took 4 attempts (with lots of pacing endlessly around the office) to get what I wanted. By the end of my lunch break I had walked about a mile - all indoors,  where at least it was dry... It rained ALL DAY LONG here. I miss the summer.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato,  leek & a little leftover cooked cauliflower
Lunch: cheese sandwich in a gf roll
Dinner: beef salad 
Snacks: fruit, cashews

Monday, 13 October 2014

Knackered...

Most of the weekend I felt remarkably cheerful despite having no energy and no interest in cooking (that's standard at the moment,  I've eaten yoghurt for dinner and for lunch to avoid cooking a couple of times) I only walked a couple of miles each day which is obviously not much for me at the weekend,  and spent long periods of time lying on the sofa watching TV and movies (we saw Paul &  Gravity this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed both). 
Today I woke up at my usual highly annoying 3:30 am and was feeling down again - mainly I think at the prospect of Monday back in the office.  The hideous weather added to that feeling - torrential rain & high winds -  but I did make it into the office and didn't feel desperate to get out of there until 11am...
Someone brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts in today...  I may have mentioned once or twice how much I'm addicted to the evil bastard, well, not today,  I was completely untempted, though I can't comment as to whether that would have remained the case if there'd been any left by 10:30... I have to say I'm very pleased not to have been in binge mode at all since starting the medication. I don't know if it's actually suppressing my appetite or if subconsciously I was self medicating and don't feel the need know that I'm being medicated; I also don't know how long it will last but I will make the most of it while it does last. 
This evening my usual drive home of 27 minutes took an hour and a quarter thanks to a jam on the M4. Between the driving and being in the office all day (I didn't even go out at lunchtime) I was exhausted by the time I got home so we ordered a takeaway for dinner and I collapsed in front of the TV again.  I hope I get some energy back soon... 
I miss training...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato,  leek & a little leftover cooked cauliflower
Lunch: ham sandwich in a gf roll
Dinner:  peri peri chicken &  chips 
Snacks: half a banana, cashews