Friday, 24 October 2014

Tired, anxious & miserable...

The last couple of days I've been rushed off my feet at work and knackered after a late night deployment on Wednesday - I worked from 10pm - 11:30 having been up since 4 am,  and then woke up at 4 Thursday morning.  Then the deployed software was pulled due to a problem (thankfully something I couldn't have found) so a) I wasted my Wednesday evening and b) it now needs redoing. And c) Until they worked out the nature of the problem I was convinced I'd be blamed and possibly sacked for it.  Then they discovered the cause and my anxiety shifted to having to test the next Live deployment. For a while it looked like that would happen tonight. Thank God, it isn't so... 
But all that means I'm completely knackered and lacking energy, plus grumpy & depressed. So while working from home yesterday I had a massive slice of cheesecake for lunch. I'm so predictable... 
Today I ate some junk food at lunch time but also walked 2.25 miles. Baby steps... I actually planned to get in another couple of miles after work but failed - or rather the M4 failed me.  After taking nearly 3 times as long to get home as I usually do I'd lost time, 
energy  and motivation...

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon & mushroom scrambled eggs 
Lunch: homemade soup,  bag of crisps 
Dinner: 
Snacks: cashews, Bounty 

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Weirdness...

I had a strange experience last night...  I think it was a strangely vivid dream that had a strong effect on me at the time, and I'm guessing it's down to the medication as I rarely even remember my dreams. I think I read somewhere that it can be a side effect (unless I imagined that). Anyway the dream wasn't particularly interesting.  I slowly dry fried some bacon yesterday evening for this morning's breakfast, and later I dreamt that I had forgotten to turn off the hob when it was done and I'd left the pan over the heat.  I woke up around midnight absolutely convinced that was the case,  (even though I would certainly have been able to smell it if that had been true after 6 more hours of heating). I could quite literally feel and hear my heart pounding away far faster than usual,  and it wouldn't calm down until I went downstairs and checked the hob.  Once I saw for sure that I wasn't in the process of burning the house down I was able to calm down straight away and fell asleep again really quickly.  I know that's a really boring story but the thing is, even on the rare occasions that I remember dreams, and they're upsetting, I have never had any physical reaction on waking up,  or felt anything than I would watching a TV show -  prior to last night.  Weird. Hopefully a one off. 
Today was very frustrating at work but not as miserable as yesterday and I avoided a repeat of yesterday's binge behaviour but was possibly punished for the bingeing with an upset stomach for most of the day.  I'm still not very comfortable now. Seems a little unfair considering that unlike most of my past binges I managed to persuade myself to stay gluten free.  As a result of the stomach issues I didn't even go out at lunchtime,  and the only exercise I got was a lot of trips to the bathroom.  A lot.  And silent internal screaming in frustration.  That's work for you. Well for me anyway. 
Thankfully the M4 was kind to me and the weather,  though awful most of the day,  wasn't quite as bad for most of my journey in or home.  If I'd been stuck like I was several times last week I might have exploded to death. 

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon sandwich 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: Meatzza - turkey 'crust'  topped with broccoli, a tiny bit of prosciutto,  red onion & mozzarella cheese 
Snacks: cashews, bag of sainsburys potato snacks 

Monday, 20 October 2014

The return of the binge monster

I had a good weekend,  thoroughly enjoyed visiting my Mum and also seeing my brother,  I was quite active,  not all of it voluntary as several trains home were cancelled and my brother  and I walked a couple of extra miles killing time until they started running again.  I also enjoyed yesterday - though I was tired all day I was also cheerful,  bordering on slightly hyper.  I didn't do much -  walked a couple of miles,  did laundry,  cooked a bit,  watched a bad movie  & lots of TV. 
Sadly good days are followed by less good days and today was no exception.

I binged today.

I don't feel great

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon leek & mushroom scrambled eggs & melon wedges 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: tuna, red onion & mayo toastie  (gf bread) 
Snacks: gf brownies,  wispa gold,  Bounty,  bag of salt &  vinegar crisps, cashews 

Friday, 17 October 2014

Improvement...

I slept like a baby last night - right through to about 4:30 without waking up once that I remember.  It was wonderful... I was still really tired all morning though,  I guess that's more about the pills than actual lack of sleep.  As a result I once again didn't do much all day -  no training or walking.  Luckily it's the weekend,  so I should be able to do something at least,  simply because I'll have all day without having to fit it in around work.  I'm visiting my Mum tomorrow - travelling by train - so that ensures at least a 2 mile walk round trip to the station. Can't wait... 
Apart from the tiredness I felt better today.  I had about the right level of work  during the day - enough to not be too bored,  not enough to feel pressured - and my drive home was nowhere near as bad as it has been.  I actually feel some optimism today... It feels good.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon &  sausage sandwich - gf
Lunch: ham & salad followed by an apple 
Dinner: tuna, spinach, mushroom & leek risotto
 Snacks: yogurt with berries, cashews 

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Zzzzzzzz

I've been really tired all day today,  so I have nothing exciting to write about.  I worked...  Drank coffee... And yawned. I popped down the road...  Drank rooibos tea... And yawned.  Ate lunch...  And yawned.  At lunchtime I bought a bag of crisps because my knackeredness craved the crunch (and there were no Pork rinds in the shop)  and then had a 2pm slump that almost had me napping under my desk.  I'd had the chance to go out for lunch but was too busy to spare the time. And too tired.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon roll 
Lunch: poached salmon & salad 
Dinner: tuna,  mushroom & leek omelette 
Snacks: yogurt with berries, packet of crisps 

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Rubbish

Rubbish day today.  Rubbish. Rubbish rubbish. 
I woke up feeling miserable and stayed that way. I had a headache most of the morning, and spent my time feeling stupid and overwhelmed because I have a couple of relatively technical testing tasks to do (usually I'm a business oriented tester, I try to work the way real users would use the system without needing an indepth understanding of the workings of the system) and I'm not sure how good a job I'll be able to do of it.  Which is depressing and an uncomfortable feeling. 
I actually found myself wishing that I wanted to binge. Which is weird even for me given the self loathing that follows a binge. But I didn't want to, so I didn't. I think I felt that if I was in binge mode I could have some hope that giving into it might fix my mood (even though intellectually I know better than that) whereas not having the desire to binge feels like accepting I can't make myself feel better. Or something.  My brain is a weird and scary place. 


Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato & mushrooms 
Lunch: ham salad 
Dinner: chicken thighs with stir fry veg 
Snacks: yogurt, cashews

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Aaarrggh

I hate the fucking M4
Another day,  another traffic jam and another ridiculous journey home.  The roadworks responsible are due to carry on till JANUARY. 
Today my mood was a bit more stable - not as high as my recent highs,  but definitely not as low as recent lows either. I even had a little energy - fueled by frustration, but still energy is energy! At lunchtime I phoned BT to cancel our account (we're switching to cable) and it took 4 attempts (with lots of pacing endlessly around the office) to get what I wanted. By the end of my lunch break I had walked about a mile - all indoors,  where at least it was dry... It rained ALL DAY LONG here. I miss the summer.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato,  leek & a little leftover cooked cauliflower
Lunch: cheese sandwich in a gf roll
Dinner: beef salad 
Snacks: fruit, cashews