Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Struggling on

Thanks for your support Joy,  Diane,  and Deniz  - it does help to hear that you don't think I'm just some whiny baby. Especially when I'm struggling to force myself out of bed.  
I had to go out at lunchtime today for my 2 miles walk (round trip) to Sainsburys. The weather was quite warm and sunny again and I did sort of wish I'd had the chance to go to the canal or the lake instead - less roadside walking and more greenery & nature.  My back was a bit painful on the way back even though I wasn't carrying anything heavy but considering I spent most of the day sitting in the world's most uncomfortable office chair it wasn't too bad  - I think it's improving and hopefully I'll be able to do more soon. As far as mood goes I mostly just felt incredibly apathetic all day.  It was a real struggle to focus on work and if I'd had a choice I probably wouldn't have gone out at lunch either.  I suppose there's something to be said for no choice then...  Weirdly I wasn't particularly interested in food for most of the day and pretty much just ate as planned at the normal times by rote (if it's possible to eat by rote).  At least there was no urge to binge...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  leek &  mushrooms 
Lunch: turkey salad and a melon snack pack 
Dinner: chicken thighs (2 small)  with sauerkraut & a baked sweet potato 
Snacks: Greek yogurt,  cashews & dates 

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Crawling out from under?

After being tortured by my office chair yesterday all day I stayed home to work today. I actually felt better this morning than I have for days, maybe weeks (apart from the purely physical pain in my back) - less tired, less unable to see any point in carrying on when nothing's ever going to get better - just less depressed. I don't know if that's a sign that I weathered the storm, and I kind of doubt it to be honest, it's probably more likely just a temporary easing off - but I'll take it anyway. Compared to wanting to be dead it's a massive improvement any way you look at it. 
I did have to go out at lunchtime to send off a parcel - something I sold as part of the decluttering - and that didn't seem to make my back very happy at all, although the rest of me was glad to get out. Especially as the weather was amazing again - makes you wonder what's going on, isn't it October tomorrow?
Oh yeah, food went ok today. Maybe that's why I felt better - two days in a row of not being disgusted at my own lack of willpower after how ever many of being a monster pig... If I could just keep it up for long enough to lose  some weight I might actually find some self respect / self esteem.
Probably not though.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & leek
Lunch: homemade tuna-dill-jalapeno mayo salad with an avocado
Dinner: burger in gluten free bun with salad
Snacks: Greek yogurt.

Monday, 29 September 2014


Well, I'm busy disappearing up my own ass again... I have no real justification for feeling the way I do but I'm depressed, miserable, spent the weekend abusing sugar and wheat so bloated and piggy, and I've pulled / twisted / otherwise hurt my back while scrubbing my kitchen floor so I can't even train myself halfway human.
I haven't done anything about it yet but I'm seriously considering asking for another prescription for antidepressants. It makes me feel like a total failure when I do when I have no great life problem to 'justify' it - even though I do actually believe that that it's caused by a chemical unbalance rather than being too weak to 'just get over myself'. Anyhow, even if it is just weakness clearly I am that weak, and even if I don't have the courage / rage to actively try to self harm deliberately chosing to binge on a foodstuff that messes up my gut still qualifies as self-destructive behaviour, so I'm working up to asking for help... knowing me it will take weeks yet and in the meantime I'll probably post nothing but misery and moaning so I'll understand if everyone bails out and leaves me to stew in my own self pity...

Food today:
Breakfast: Greek yogurt
Lunch: sausage & sauerkraut soup
Dinner: chicken salad 
Snacks: cashews

Thursday, 25 September 2014

How many ways to say.....

I'm knackered...?
Last night's deployment went well, I collapsed into bed at 11 PM, and then, as usual... woke up around 4 am. Ah well. I'd already arranged to work from home (from my sofa to be precise) so I worked in my pjs until about 10. My brain was Swiss cheese all day and I felt horribly unproductive in terms of work... but while I unsurprisingly didn't train I did hoover, take delivery of my weekly shop, pop to the council tip with a car load of rubbish from the Great Declutter and walk about 3 miles doing a wide circle of town incorporating a post office drop off and a little shopping.
So actually quite a good day although after starting the day feeling no worse than usual I now feel as if a truck drive over me. Twice. The earliest of early nights is called for...

Food today:
Breakfast: no proper breakfast was had as I couldn't decide what to go for. I had one gf sausage, some melon and half of one of those 2 minute coconut muffins in a mug (it was hopelessly dry again and the other half went in the bin)
Lunch: that wasn't right either. I'd bought some fresh mussels to cook but most of them failed to open in the cooking so I threw them away & ate homemade pork rinds followed by Greek yogurt
Dinner: lamb & cumin burger served on a slice of homemade gf flax bread with potato wedges and watercress salad - and very nice it was too!
Snacks: more homemade pork rinds & cashews.
I wonder why I'm fat....

Wednesday, 24 September 2014


Definitely rebuilding my strength through sleep now. Sad for me, under the circumstances, that I am doing a little overtime tonight at 10 PM. Leaving aside the fact that I'm 300 yrs old and my bedtime is way earlier than that I doubt if it will be restful, however well it (hopefully) goes. Still, I am working from home tomorrow as a reward for the unsocial hours overtime and that's always nice. 
I weighed myself this morning and I was right back where I was immediately after the holiday. In truth although depression & exhaustion definitely led to over indulging I'm fairly confident I didn't overeat that much so I'm hoping once the crap works it's way completely out of my system some of it will disappear again. Listen to me, classic yo yo dieter.... pondering how to get it off ASAP by changing my diet AGAIN despite not really having given the perfect health diet a fair shot... NO. Not doing it. PHD deserves more than a week (or two) sticking to it followed by a week ignoring it completely. Or however long it was. 
I did walk about 3 miles today, so could have been worse...

Food today:
Breakfast: bratwurst sautéed with leek,  peppers & sauerkraut
Lunch: chili
Dinner: ham & brie with cucumber & tomatoes
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Just call me Moby Dick

Another slightly better night last night and I'm feeling at least 40% human today - not enough to train,  but I did manage a 2 mile walk at lunch, and didn't eat anything I hadn't planned, so some positives today. Having said that,  work was really really really really really annoying and I'm hugely fed up of it. I'm not vigorously job hunting,  but I have started to send my cv out when I see a very interesting job advertised (sadly so far they're not returning my interest however - but I have to start somewhere) Also thanks to the lack of training & bingeing at the weekend I feel like a bloated disgusting whale. 
Fingers crossed tomorrow I might make it up to 50% human... onwards and upwards (not in weight hopefully - I'm currently avoiding the scales)

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  mushrooms and leek
Lunch: beef salad
Dinner: pork chop with leek, green beans & broccoli
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin topped with a little Nutella as it was so dry

Monday, 22 September 2014

Er, hi….

Fridays post, as far as I got:

Nope,  didn't get my good night's sleep last night. .. I woke up at 3:30 again.  I tried to train on getting up, but after 10 minutes I felt like I couldn't carry on,  so... I didn't.  Mum has suggested I ask my doctor for a prescription for sleeping pills but I'm weirdly reluctant and can't work out why.

That was followed by a bout of depression and even less sleep Friday night & again Saturday night :-(
I didn't manage any formal training over the week

end as I was barely conscious but I did walk a fair bit (7 miles Saturday,  approximately 5 yesterday) mainly because I didn't feel up to driving for my big weekly shop so I got the essentials by walking with my rucksack multiple times. I also ate an entire bag of Tesco triple chocolate chip shortbread on Saturday for comfort & an all too temporary energy boost. I did better food-wise yesterday though,  and felt better today thanks to managing a bit more sleep last night. It wasn't enough to give me the energy to train before work this morning, and though I planned to make up for it after work I got caught up with chores and didn't manage it. Hopefully I'll get another half decent night tonight and feel up to it in the morning.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, lamb's kidney & tomatoes
Lunch: homemade soup
Dinner: chicken stir fry
Snacks: Greek yogurt, cashews.