Thursday, 30 October 2014

Day 2 of back to basics

Are you sitting down,  holding on and prepared for a shock? This morning (drum roll please)  I trained!!!
It's been a couple of months so I didn't push myself too hard particularly as I didn't get to bed till 11:30 last night,  woke up around 4 and got up at 5:15. I was working from home so I didn't have to waste half an hour driving to the office and I was too sleepy to come up with any excuses not to train,  and by working out to an episode of Criminal Minds I managed a full 40 minutes - so I may not have completely lost any strength & fitness I used to have. 
At lunchtime I walked a couple of miles as well - so I am now officially exhausted and about to have a very early night.  But first... 
Day 2:
Food - partial success.  I'm fine with everything I ate,  but I overindulged slightly with the pork rinds; however I think that was down to increased appetite from increased activity 
Booze - success
Exercise - massive success!!!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek & tomatoes,  with a tiny but of gammon 
Lunch: homemade soup (yesterday's  vegetable soup with a little added gammon) 
Dinner: a homemade lamb & cumin burger in a red pepper 'bun' with slices of roasted sweet potato and some sauerkraut 
Snacks: cashews & some homemade Pork rinds

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Back to basics

The plan:
1) gluten free
2) low carb - especially no sweet stuff 
3) unprocessed food
4) no booze
5) legume free 
6) grain free (goodbye again rice) 
7) no artificial sweeteners (I've been drinking soft drinks again lately - diet only) 
8) more exercise - especially when feeling depressed 
9) less snacking 
10) less using my medication as an excuse for unproductive behaviours

That will do for now - dairy will probably go too,  but I'm not too worried about that as I've never noticed having problems with it.

Putting it in writing it doesn't look that hard...  Fairly obviously I find it harder to act on this stuff and, more importantly, to keep on doing so. I used to manage though, so it can't be beyond the realms of possibility that I can get back into it, can it?

DAY 1: 
Success on the food front 
Success on the booze front 
Fail on the exercise front - I was still working out the above list when I should have been getting up & training this morning. And at lunchtime I allowed the dodgy weather and the need to collect my prescription (with 15 minute wait) persuade me not to walk

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek & yellow and green pepper 
Lunch: homemade soup (vegetable soup but made with meat stock) 
Dinner: tuna salad 
Snacks: cashews & some cold cooked beef 

Bored with myself

I am so bored with telling you I'm really tired /depressed /binging,  so I can only imagine how bored you must be with reading it.  I might be tempted to write about feeling better and being happy but I don't want to lie about things here,  or there's no point posting at all.
So yesterday I wasn't depressed,  I even had the energy to walk about 3.5 miles through the day as I worked from home and had cable installed in the house during the morning. I got my antidepressants prescription renewed (can't believe it's been a month already - I'm sure I felt better by this point last time I took them) but by about 8pm when I would have been writing my post I was suddenly totally and completely wiped out - like being hit by a truck.  I turned the light out at 19:45 and didn't move again till 2:25 am. So that's why no post posted yesterday.
I overate  yesterday.  I ate gluten stuffed rubbish too.  I didn't actually sit down and binge,  which I suppose is something though not much comfort. I realised as I lay in bed at 2:30 this morning that I've been mostly  off any real healthy eating plan since my eye surgery  - a few brief attempts at getting back into the swing followed by falling off the wagon so hard I can hardly dig myself out of the mud.
No wonder I now have my second cold sore in a month and no energy.  Something has to change,  and it has to change now with a low carb reset to regain some control over myself - and hopefully reduce the current self-loathing I feel when I unavoidably have to look at myself.
Starting today.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Up down up...

I hated the world and all its inhabitants this morning. 
I was relatively cheerful first thing today, enjoying the only benefit of daylight saving - the short short time when driving in to work means dusk & sunrise and I'm not yet driving home in the dark. 
Then I got to work,  logged into my PC, and discovered that without prior notice or discussion with me,  my boss had volunteered me to work overtime tonight.  I'd already agreed to work overtime on Wednesday this week - just to be clear that's the extremely unsocial hours, way past my bedtime, 10 pm start overtime on both days. I may have over-reacted slightly,  spending half the morning stewing over it till the bile was oozing from every pore & orifice (lovely image that,  isn't it?).  Eventually the decision was made not to go ahead with the one tonight so I more or less instantly felt much better,  and when I popped out at lunchtime to experience the lovely warm sunshine that made me feel even better. 
I had a great weekend with my Dad & his wife visiting us.  We went out to dinner to the always wonderful Royal Oak in Paley Street - amazing food,  lovely booze,  excellent staff & service,  beautiful building... It's got it all.  My starter of barbecued squid & chorizo was incredible and I really want to eat it again.  And again.  And again... Followed by red mullet & John dory and then a marvellous brown butter panna cotta with chocolate mousse & banana ice cream. 
Sunday morning I had a mysterious headache for some reason, no idea why :-)  I was also oddly not very hungry until nearly lunchtime,  possibly because I ate so much the night before.  The full stomach,  mixed booze,  and stimulation of a dinner out meant I slept very little and was really lazy yesterday.  It's also possible that that fed into my rage this morning. Anyway. It didn't happen and hopefully won't in the future.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon & mushroom scrambled eggs 
Lunch: beef salad, bag of crisps 
Dinner: chicken salad 
Snacks: cashews, Bounty 

Friday, 24 October 2014

Tired, anxious & miserable...

The last couple of days I've been rushed off my feet at work and knackered after a late night deployment on Wednesday - I worked from 10pm - 11:30 having been up since 4 am,  and then woke up at 4 Thursday morning.  Then the deployed software was pulled due to a problem (thankfully something I couldn't have found) so a) I wasted my Wednesday evening and b) it now needs redoing. And c) Until they worked out the nature of the problem I was convinced I'd be blamed and possibly sacked for it.  Then they discovered the cause and my anxiety shifted to having to test the next Live deployment. For a while it looked like that would happen tonight. Thank God, it isn't so... 
But all that means I'm completely knackered and lacking energy, plus grumpy & depressed. So while working from home yesterday I had a massive slice of cheesecake for lunch. I'm so predictable... 
Today I ate some junk food at lunch time but also walked 2.25 miles. Baby steps... I actually planned to get in another couple of miles after work but failed - or rather the M4 failed me.  After taking nearly 3 times as long to get home as I usually do I'd lost time, 
energy  and motivation...

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon & mushroom scrambled eggs 
Lunch: homemade soup,  bag of crisps 
Dinner: 
Snacks: cashews, Bounty 

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Weirdness...

I had a strange experience last night...  I think it was a strangely vivid dream that had a strong effect on me at the time, and I'm guessing it's down to the medication as I rarely even remember my dreams. I think I read somewhere that it can be a side effect (unless I imagined that). Anyway the dream wasn't particularly interesting.  I slowly dry fried some bacon yesterday evening for this morning's breakfast, and later I dreamt that I had forgotten to turn off the hob when it was done and I'd left the pan over the heat.  I woke up around midnight absolutely convinced that was the case,  (even though I would certainly have been able to smell it if that had been true after 6 more hours of heating). I could quite literally feel and hear my heart pounding away far faster than usual,  and it wouldn't calm down until I went downstairs and checked the hob.  Once I saw for sure that I wasn't in the process of burning the house down I was able to calm down straight away and fell asleep again really quickly.  I know that's a really boring story but the thing is, even on the rare occasions that I remember dreams, and they're upsetting, I have never had any physical reaction on waking up,  or felt anything than I would watching a TV show -  prior to last night.  Weird. Hopefully a one off. 
Today was very frustrating at work but not as miserable as yesterday and I avoided a repeat of yesterday's binge behaviour but was possibly punished for the bingeing with an upset stomach for most of the day.  I'm still not very comfortable now. Seems a little unfair considering that unlike most of my past binges I managed to persuade myself to stay gluten free.  As a result of the stomach issues I didn't even go out at lunchtime,  and the only exercise I got was a lot of trips to the bathroom.  A lot.  And silent internal screaming in frustration.  That's work for you. Well for me anyway. 
Thankfully the M4 was kind to me and the weather,  though awful most of the day,  wasn't quite as bad for most of my journey in or home.  If I'd been stuck like I was several times last week I might have exploded to death. 

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon sandwich 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: Meatzza - turkey 'crust'  topped with broccoli, a tiny bit of prosciutto,  red onion & mozzarella cheese 
Snacks: cashews, bag of sainsburys potato snacks 

Monday, 20 October 2014

The return of the binge monster

I had a good weekend,  thoroughly enjoyed visiting my Mum and also seeing my brother,  I was quite active,  not all of it voluntary as several trains home were cancelled and my brother  and I walked a couple of extra miles killing time until they started running again.  I also enjoyed yesterday - though I was tired all day I was also cheerful,  bordering on slightly hyper.  I didn't do much -  walked a couple of miles,  did laundry,  cooked a bit,  watched a bad movie  & lots of TV. 
Sadly good days are followed by less good days and today was no exception.

I binged today.

I don't feel great

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon leek & mushroom scrambled eggs & melon wedges 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: tuna, red onion & mayo toastie  (gf bread) 
Snacks: gf brownies,  wispa gold,  Bounty,  bag of salt &  vinegar crisps, cashews