Wednesday, 1 October 2014
I had to go out at lunchtime today for my 2 miles walk (round trip) to Sainsburys. The weather was quite warm and sunny again and I did sort of wish I'd had the chance to go to the canal or the lake instead - less roadside walking and more greenery & nature. My back was a bit painful on the way back even though I wasn't carrying anything heavy but considering I spent most of the day sitting in the world's most uncomfortable office chair it wasn't too bad - I think it's improving and hopefully I'll be able to do more soon. As far as mood goes I mostly just felt incredibly apathetic all day. It was a real struggle to focus on work and if I'd had a choice I probably wouldn't have gone out at lunch either. I suppose there's something to be said for no choice then... Weirdly I wasn't particularly interested in food for most of the day and pretty much just ate as planned at the normal times by rote (if it's possible to eat by rote). At least there was no urge to binge...
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, leek & mushrooms
Lunch: turkey salad and a melon snack pack
Dinner: chicken thighs (2 small) with sauerkraut & a baked sweet potato
Snacks: Greek yogurt, cashews & dates
Tuesday, 30 September 2014
I did have to go out at lunchtime to send off a parcel - something I sold as part of the decluttering - and that didn't seem to make my back very happy at all, although the rest of me was glad to get out. Especially as the weather was amazing again - makes you wonder what's going on, isn't it October tomorrow?
Oh yeah, food went ok today. Maybe that's why I felt better - two days in a row of not being disgusted at my own lack of willpower after how ever many of being a monster pig... If I could just keep it up for long enough to lose some weight I might actually find some self respect / self esteem.
Probably not though.
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & leek
Lunch: homemade tuna-dill-jalapeno mayo salad with an avocado
Dinner: burger in gluten free bun with salad
Snacks: Greek yogurt.
Monday, 29 September 2014
I haven't done anything about it yet but I'm seriously considering asking for another prescription for antidepressants. It makes me feel like a total failure when I do when I have no great life problem to 'justify' it - even though I do actually believe that that it's caused by a chemical unbalance rather than being too weak to 'just get over myself'. Anyhow, even if it is just weakness clearly I am that weak, and even if I don't have the courage / rage to actively try to self harm deliberately chosing to binge on a foodstuff that messes up my gut still qualifies as self-destructive behaviour, so I'm working up to asking for help... knowing me it will take weeks yet and in the meantime I'll probably post nothing but misery and moaning so I'll understand if everyone bails out and leaves me to stew in my own self pity...
Breakfast: Greek yogurt
Lunch: sausage & sauerkraut soup
Dinner: chicken salad
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Last night's deployment went well, I collapsed into bed at 11 PM, and then, as usual... woke up around 4 am. Ah well. I'd already arranged to work from home (from my sofa to be precise) so I worked in my pjs until about 10. My brain was Swiss cheese all day and I felt horribly unproductive in terms of work... but while I unsurprisingly didn't train I did hoover, take delivery of my weekly shop, pop to the council tip with a car load of rubbish from the Great Declutter and walk about 3 miles doing a wide circle of town incorporating a post office drop off and a little shopping.
So actually quite a good day although after starting the day feeling no worse than usual I now feel as if a truck drive over me. Twice. The earliest of early nights is called for...
Breakfast: no proper breakfast was had as I couldn't decide what to go for. I had one gf sausage, some melon and half of one of those 2 minute coconut muffins in a mug (it was hopelessly dry again and the other half went in the bin)
Lunch: that wasn't right either. I'd bought some fresh mussels to cook but most of them failed to open in the cooking so I threw them away & ate homemade pork rinds followed by Greek yogurt
Dinner: lamb & cumin burger served on a slice of homemade gf flax bread with potato wedges and watercress salad - and very nice it was too!
Snacks: more homemade pork rinds & cashews.
I wonder why I'm fat....
Wednesday, 24 September 2014
I weighed myself this morning and I was right back where I was immediately after the holiday. In truth although depression & exhaustion definitely led to over indulging I'm fairly confident I didn't overeat that much so I'm hoping once the crap works it's way completely out of my system some of it will disappear again. Listen to me, classic yo yo dieter.... pondering how to get it off ASAP by changing my diet AGAIN despite not really having given the perfect health diet a fair shot... NO. Not doing it. PHD deserves more than a week (or two) sticking to it followed by a week ignoring it completely. Or however long it was.
I did walk about 3 miles today, so could have been worse...
Breakfast: bratwurst sautéed with leek, peppers & sauerkraut
Dinner: ham & brie with cucumber & tomatoes
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
Fingers crossed tomorrow I might make it up to 50% human... onwards and upwards (not in weight hopefully - I'm currently avoiding the scales)
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms and leek
Lunch: beef salad
Dinner: pork chop with leek, green beans & broccoli
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin topped with a little Nutella as it was so dry
Monday, 22 September 2014
Fridays post, as far as I got:
Nope, didn't get my good night's sleep last night. .. I woke up at 3:30 again. I tried to train on getting up, but after 10 minutes I felt like I couldn't carry on, so... I didn't. Mum has suggested I ask my doctor for a prescription for sleeping pills but I'm weirdly reluctant and can't work out why.
That was followed by a bout of depression and even less sleep Friday night & again Saturday night :-(
I didn't manage any formal training over the week
end as I was barely conscious but I did walk a fair bit (7 miles Saturday, approximately 5 yesterday) mainly because I didn't feel up to driving for my big weekly shop so I got the essentials by walking with my rucksack multiple times. I also ate an entire bag of Tesco triple chocolate chip shortbread on Saturday for comfort & an all too temporary energy boost. I did better food-wise yesterday though, and felt better today thanks to managing a bit more sleep last night. It wasn't enough to give me the energy to train before work this morning, and though I planned to make up for it after work I got caught up with chores and didn't manage it. Hopefully I'll get another half decent night tonight and feel up to it in the morning.
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, lamb's kidney & tomatoes
Lunch: homemade soup
Dinner: chicken stir fry
Snacks: Greek yogurt, cashews.