Tuesday, 1 December 2015

So tired

But still feeling better and more positive (or possibly delirious with exhaustion)
After finishing work at 10:30 last night I was too hyper with frustration and stress from the issues we'd been having to go straight to sleep - it was after 11 before I turned off the light and I was awake again before 3 am, so not a very satisfying night's sleep.
I got up at my usual time and stumbled around like a clumsier than normal drunk first thing so I didn't risk getting behind the wheel of the car, working from home instead. Which was really hard to do because the day after a deployment is usually quite quiet (unless things went really badly) and I was far too bored to focus on reading documents and planning testing, which was all I had on my plate today.
This morning, even though the day was grey and uninspiring, I actually briefly wanted to go for a walk - wanted to! Sadly I was too hungry at lunchtime to follow through, but just getting back the inclination felt good, I was almost excited at the prospect :-)
In fact I did go out after work but as it was getting dark it was a very short walk. But after a couple of weeks spending my lunch breaks at my desk and my weekends lying down it felt good to do something....however little.

Food today:
Breakfast: burgers with cheese 
Lunch: bacon, eggs and homemade sausage 

Monday, 30 November 2015

Always darkest

Well, the weekend was pretty disastrous for me. Following my pizza splurge on Thursday, Fridays lunch was mince pies and cream. Then in the evening I drank beer - 3 beers to be precise. And in an unpleasant yet weirdly triumphant way I demonstrated how successfully I cut down on the booze by being pissed on 3 pathetic beers. And eating more gluten in the form of toast to 'mop up the alcohol'.
At 1:30 I was up getting painkillers for a stabbing, piercing headache and half an hour after that I was throwing up / more than once. I actually woke up in the morning with a stomach acidy sore throat. But you know what? I actually felt less depressed (you know they say that slight pain, like hot chilli pain, can be medicinal in the sense that it distracts you slightly from another more serious pain? Like that)
And I also felt somewhat motivated not to be so f**cking stupid any more. I definitely went through comfort eating / drinking and straight into punishment eating and drinking. And it was pretty dire. I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday lying on the bed in the spare bedroom (feeling nauseous on the Saturday) alone so I wouldn't have to talk / interact and not even on social media so I wouldn't have to read about other people coping much better than me with pretty much everything. I wallowed in it for 2 days without bingeing again or getting drunk again. I even ate vegetables.
This morning I felt a bit better. I worked from home because I had to do some overtime right after the usual work day and my stomach is still not 100% (it has an amazing repertoire of gurgling and squelching noises today) so I figured I'd spend the long day in as relaxed a fashion as possible. 
At lunchtime I popped to the shop but didn't buy myself anything that doesn't fit in my diet and my lunch was acceptable if not yet optimal. And I fasted this evening (largely because I didn't have time to eat but still)
I'm not back to normal per se, but I feel like there's a break in the clouds and somewhere behind them there's a possibility of sunshine. 
(Obviously that is purely and entirely metaphorical as there was NO HINT of sunshine in the real world today.)
But to feel that way on a Monday - especially a Monday when I started work at 7:30 am and was still working at 10:30 pm - is a giant step in the right direction.

Friday, 27 November 2015


This week really is like a rollercoaster for me. That's not a good thing - I hate rollercoasters. They make me want to throw up.
Yesterday I woke up feeling down and only got worse till lunchtime. I felt under pressure at work and really anxious as well as depressed - in fact bordering on panic a couple of times. The minute I could get out of the building for lunch I went into town and bought myself a delicious lunch of gluten, fat and sugar. I ate more than I needed to to stop feeling hungry and then spent the afternoon feeling stuffed but still went off and bought chocolate from the vending machine when the lunch high wore off.
Then I drove home - still feeling edgy and anxious - and demanded M join me in a takeaway. And picked pizza.  I picked pizza. Me.
I even said to M while we waited for it to be delivered that I expected to feel like crap tomorrow but it didn't matter. I mean it didn't stop me wanting it, ordering it, and eating it.
Then I slept reasonably well but woke up feeling like crap. I think it may actually be looking for a distraction from my brain rather than just a punishment for God knows what, since my stomach feels like death but my mood does feel a little bit less... well something, not sure what, paranoid and anxious certainly.
Anyway. I threw away the leftover pizza when I was tempted to eat it for breakfast. I think I'm inclined right now to just forget the eating plan in favour of making it through this week, although other bits of me are asking if the week would be easier to get through without the sugar highs and crashes and need to stay within 3 ft of the bathroom. But those bits of me are whispering and the other bits are shouting so I'll probably carry on bingeing and eating garbage for now.
I wonder if I should rename this blog - something like a brokenbodyandcrazybrain would be more appropriate at the moment...

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Working from home Wednesday

Quiet, peaceful and warm - three things that are hard to come by in the office.
All those things may have helped to make me quieter and more peaceful as well- despite my body declaring war on me after the crap I ate yesterday. Lets just say it's a good thing I'd already agreed to WFH today - there are some things I don't want to inflict on my colleagues.
On the positive side it has helped me get over the urges that defeated me yesterday and I feel more in control today. (Though I didn't dare weigh myself in the end) 
It's funny that every time I've visited a doctor to ask for antidepressants I've been warned that sometimes you feel worse before you feel better but this is the first time I've experienced that. Also it's given me more of the foggy brain and forgetfulness this time (although that could be the effect of chronic insomnia). With any luck this means that this time every thing will be amplified including the good stuff I'm actually taking it for! 

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

I suck

I know this just proves how vain and shallow I am, but words can't express what a downer my efforts at taking a halfway acceptable selfie this morning were. I'm now vividly aware of flaws I hadn't even noticed before (I'm an expert at looking in the mirror without really seeing myself) and I'm thinking the best thing I could do for my colleagues is start wearing a paper bag over my head. Or possibly a plastic bag with duct tape round the neck. All this for what turns out to be promotional literature for an American company that doesn't even employ me. 
Leaving aside my perfect face for radio I was already down this morning following my weighing which showed an undeserved number I hoped never to see again. Logically I'm aware that water fluctuations or digestive quirks were probably to blame but what has logic got to do with feelings? Which is why despite being miserable at least partly because of my weight I ate all the chocolate (and some of the crisps) for lunch today. At least tomorrow's weight will have been earned! Also, I don't feel bad about the eating because before I did that I was feeling very tumultuous and anxious and afterwards I was quite calm. Which is better when sharing an office with dozens and dozens of people, regardless of how that calm is achieved.

Monday, 23 November 2015

Bloody Monday AGAIN

One reason I know that my brain hasn't adapted to the antidepressants yet is that I have no interest in doing most of the things I generally enjoy doing - cooking, walking, posting on here... But I'm reading obsessively for comfort (it was always my favourite activity as a kid) even if I don't necessarily take in / remember everything I read - or even most of it. Still, I haven't fallen apart in a sobbing ball for over a week so I guess there's pros and cons.
On Friday I worked from 7 till 4 then from 5 till 7:30 (and that hour in between involved several checks of my work email and instant messaging chats with colleagues so not really a break) and when I finished I was shattered, and fell straight into bed to read until I couldn't keep my eyes open - about half an hour. Saturday I did virtually nothing all day - certainly no walking - and then yesterday I did some more of that again. 
Today I'm back in the office and have realised that I feel more depressed the minute I walk through the door into the construction site that is our office - even before the noise starts up. It doesn't help that this morning my corner of the office had no working light and the whole place had been unheated since Friday. My car claimed it was -2 this morning and the office didn't give me any reason to doubt it. Sitting at my desk in the dark wearing my coat got the day off to a great start.
Apart from extreme apathy all weekend I didn't feel too bad but today was definitely a bit of a set back. I was miserable and uncomfortable at work all day putting on a mostly cheerful face for as long as I could stand then sticking my ear buds in and listening to Classic fm when I started to get really sick of the totally trivial bullsh*t being spouted by some of my colleagues endlessly... At least I can listen to the radio in an emergency.
We've all been ordered to take selfish with our smartphones and send them to the marketing department tomorrow. Even contractors. At the moment I'm thinking hell no - I'm allergic to being in front of the camera and currently feeling way too ugly (not even to mention the overgrown hair I can't be bothered to have cut). Of course I'm too wussy to make a big thing of it do I'll probably just passive aggressively 'forget' until I'm reminded by someone senior and then take an ugly scowling photo that will be deleted the moment it hits the marketing woman's Inbox.
I hate my job.

Thursday, 19 November 2015


Power tools 
OK no actual out loud screaming - but I was soooo tempted.
This office is not currently a good place to be, and the weather is not helping by trapping me there. 
Ah well. 
I woke up around 3 this morning - so I basically managed a lie in by recent standards. That's not getting better since I got medicated, or started fasting, or (2 days ago) gave in and put a duvet on the bed instead of my usual empty duvet cover. I'm out of Nytol and reluctant to buy any more and I think the self hypnosis thing I was using has lost its power over me. I guess I'll have to do another search.
I'm absolutely knackered today. Work today was insane with multiple last minute changes to software that's supposed to be going live tomorrow. I left work a bit late - only half an hour - but it was enough to make my drive home a lot slower and more stressful. A reminder if I needed it that I don't want to hang around past 4.

Food today: meatloaf cooked in the slow cooker. It looked like either the world's largest burger or possibly a cake made of beef mince. No photos because it slightly fell apart as it came out of the slow cooker inset.

Weight today: 10 st 11.5 lbs / 151.5 lbs / 68.8 kgs